


Cotard Delusion

by rapgodjinan



Category: iKON (Kpop)
Genre: Light Angst, M/M, Mentions of Smut
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-02-29
Updated: 2016-02-29
Packaged: 2018-05-23 21:04:41
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,776
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6130015
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/rapgodjinan/pseuds/rapgodjinan
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Junhoe loves him to death to the point it died.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Cotard Delusion

**Author's Note:**

> This is a bit short since I'm not yet used to writing that long again :))) Comments please :)) I have to improve :))

It was not long enough when Jinhwan and Junhoe are together. It was a year and few months when they decided to date. It's been that long and Jinhwan was puzzled why they did last that long although the relationship they had was kept secret from all even from their own bestfriends.

Jinhwan was in his own room at the hotel with lights off at the room waiting for the person to come knocking on the door. 12:00 am, at the exact time, the boy with his hair down and same pair of pajamas appeared, peeking at the small one and blinked when he saw Jinhwan was just sitting at his own bed. Junhoe yawned as he closed the door and headed towards Jinhwan's bed, their bed.

The same time was a difficult moment for Jinhwan. Anytime soon he's going to explode. 12 am thoughts surely tortured his mind, especially his heart.

"Jinani." Junhoe muttered as he sat at the edge of the bed waiting for Jinhwan's reply but instead the older gave him a blank stare. They were fresh from a fight.

"Jinani, forgive me." Junhoe crawled his way in order to keep their faces close as he buries his own face at Jinhwan's neck. Jinhwan hissed when Junhoe pecked his neck. "Please baby? I won't do it again. I promise."

Jinhwan closed his eyes and remembered how Junhoe called him a _flirt, slut,_ and _unfaithful_. They fought with each other backstage with Junhoe pinpointing how Jinhwan flirted Hanbin on stage during concert. He was fed up with all Junhoe's harsh words. Jinhwan knew how Junhoe is always jealous and territorial. He find it very sweet and adorable at first but it's different now, he's just...tired.

"Junhoe." The older pulled away from Junhoe's grip. "I.. don't want to talk about it now." It was a first every time they did fight with each other. Junhoe was used to Jinhwan melting with his cuddles and eventually forgiving him. He blinked once when Jinhwan positioned himself at the bed, his back facing the younger. He had no choice but to let it pass, he backhugged Jinhwan tightly causing Jinhwan to burst into tears.

The next day they are heading back to Korea to attend the special awards. Jinhwan's are obviously swollen and dark circles are invading his slanted eyes so he decided to wear shades to hide it from the others. He's been avoiding Junhoe since morning when he decided to not wake Junhoe up and moved on his own.

 

\--

 

He wanted to sit beside Junhoe to settle things during the flight but it was Bobby who insisted sitting beside his boyfriend which made him sit beside Hanbin. He wasn't comfortable with this, this might cause Junhoe and him to fight again but it was Bobby's fault anyway.

Jinhwan had no other choice but to entertain Hanbin. Hanbin was in a good mood that time so instead of listening to his playlist he chose to chat with Jinhwan hyung.

Jinhwan is comfortable with Hanbin. Before he and Junhoe became boyfriends, he was the most comfortable when Hanbin is around. He sometimes thought if he didn't reject Hanbin during the time Hanbin confessed will it be different? His chest felt an ache and it is bothering him. He's going to cry soon.

"Hyung. Are you okay?" Hanbin asked him when he saw Jinhwan's facial expressions are getting blue. As suspected, when Hanbin sneakily removes Jinhwan's shades, his hyung is crying. "Why are you crying? Jinani?" Hanbin carressed Jinhwan's cheeks wiping off his tears. "I'm sorry Hanbin..I didn't accept you before. I'm sorry."

"Ssshh. Hyung, it's fine. You know I still love you, right?" Jinhwan nodded as he rests his head against Hanbin's shoulder while the leader stroked his hair.

He felt at home with Hanbin's arms.

 

\--

 

Days and weeks have passed and Jinhwan hasn't been talking to Junhoe for the matter of settling things. Things have been busy ever since they came to Korea. It's either they would only talk if there are practices or broadcasts that are going to happen. There's nothing more than that. When Jinhwan's trying to forget it, he tries to hangout and eat with Bobby and BI. Hanbin has been especially careful of Jinhwan ever since his burst of tears in the plane even though he doesn't know the real meaning behind those tears and he didn't ask for it.

On the other side, Junhoe missed Jinhwan to death. He wanted to come over Jinhwan and shove him into his arms and kiss him and claim his own property but they are secret lovers. He knew that Jinhwan and Hanbin are extra close right now, and it gives a strange feeling to himself. It hurts to see your lover's smiles are not for you.

Every midnights, Jinhwan would still be left at his own room expecting for Junhoe. He sighed mumbling, "You're so close but you're so far away." He's going to be numb soon or later, he thought. The thing that made him look at the door is someone standing in front of him. This time, it isn't Junhoe. It's Hanbin. The boy with a dark aura came across Jinhwan's bed and crashed his lips with Jinhwan's. The smaller boy was shocked and has been unable to move. He felt stoned and numb.

In between those kisses, Hanbin managed to say how much he still loves Jinhwan and how much he missed Jinhwan. The older felt strucked and eventually he responded to the kisses. If only these kiss would drown him and make him forget how he's been longing for Junhoe's touch. A tear fell down from his cheeks.

_It's a sin. I'm dirty. I'm unloyal. Jinhwan, you're unfaithful._

Before Hanbin leaves the room, he pecked Jinhwan's lips before dressing up into his pajamas.

"Hyung. Thank you." Hanbin smiled genuinely. Jinhwan stared at him dizzily while he still recovering his breath. When the door clicks, the room was covered with silence. Jinhwan growled and bawled making him hit his head against the headboard as many times as he can.

 

On the other side of the room, there was Junhoe.

Junhoe knew about it. He knew that it wasn't him who is going in to his boyfriend's room every now and then. He stopped it. He's been broken for days and weeks. Junhoe can't help but lock his self every night in the bathroom. It's the only way he could cry his heart out, sitting inside the bath tub while the water runs muffling the crying sounds he make. He didn't knew that it was his stupid mistake for letting Jinhwan go on by himself. He didn't knew this will come one time.

J _inani, why? Am I not enough? Jinani. I missed you so much. I love you so much. Why are you doing this to me?_

His heart is aching to the point it could go numb.

 

\--

 

The time has come when they had a day off and the other members decided to have a vacation to Jeju Island. It's still Hanbin and Jinhwan who's been together. Junhoe can't unsee the sight of them together. Even Jinhwan can't get hold of how complicated his situation he is in. Hanbin is sort of he's new one but Junhoe is still his boyfriend, they didn't have an official break up.

They went for a stop over during their mid-trip. Jinhwan told the others that he's going to use the restroom for a while before they headed back to the van. It's the only way Junhoe can talk to him so he decided to follow him inside.

Jinhwan stopped and looked at Junhoe who is right behind his back. He expected him to follow him. "Let's talk," the older says. Junhoe is expecting it, too.

"Let's break up. I don't love you anymore." Jinhwan firmly said as he looks at his feet with his hands in his pocket. Junhoe thought he is ready for this. He even practiced what was he going to say when this time has come.

"Yeah." That was the only word he managed to say, it is not even a word though. He couldn't say anything, he has been biting his lip and his eyes are wandering around the restroom looking for some escape from Jinhwan's gaze.

The other was waiting for Junhoe's words. He's been expecting everything worse with Junhoe. He would expect Junhoe to say harsher words, to shout, to even hit him but both of them are just standing waiting for each one. He loved Junhoe but the magic wasn't the same as before, that's what he thought. All was left was awe. He's been looking at Junhoe's face. The younger didn't utter any word besides yeah.

Jinhwan didn't wait any longer and left.

 

_Junhoe, you don't deserve some unloyal person like me. You're too pure for me. I'll always love you._

 

At the back of Junhoe's mind.

 

_Jinani, please come back and hug me. Please say you don't mean everything. Please say you still love me. Please stay with me. Please choose me Jinani. I love you 'til death, Jinani._

 

Junhoe bursted into tears. He walked towards a cubicle and weeped as if he's a boy who was left alone by his mom. He squeezed his own chest trying to bear the pain it causes him. Also, who knows Jinhwan could be this strong? He tried to fake a smile in front of the others. He thinks it's bearable. The thoughts of Junhoe still won't leave him, he will forever be Junhoe's shadow.

 

\--

 

"Hyung. Are you okay? You seem pale." They are all inside the van now. Junhoe pretended he's so sleepy that tears won't stop from falling because of his continuous yawning while as Jinhwan was left staring far away from everyone. He, again, faked a smile to Hanbin and nodded. "Be sure you are, okay? You need to enjoy the vacation we will have because we would be spending the time together." Hanbin grins as he drapped his arms into the older's shoulders.

Jinhwan didn't know he fell into sleep and woke up right when they are already on the sea side. It's a beautiful sight.

He saw everyone just got off the van and they were heading towards the cottage with their bags hanging from each shoulders. Everyone was so excited but not Junhoe. He's staring the whole cottage without blinking. He's looking from afar.

He didn't talk and just went inside the cottage lazily dropping his bags into the couch located in the living room. While the other, Jinhwan, tried his best to hide the pain. He's outgoing right now. Unusually, he isn't looking for Junhoe. He just can't bear to see him for now, it might cause him to break down and cry on the spot with unknown reason to be given.

The boys definitely have a good time. They did fishing and boat riding, they also watched the sunset. While they are sitted on the sand, Donghyuk managed to ask "where is Junhoe?"

"He said he is not feeling well." Bobby said as he patted Donghyuk. "He is not going to enjoy. Sickness always make our life harder." Donghyuk frowned and looked at his feet, being concerned with Junhoe's sickness.

Junhoe isn't inside the cottage. He is wandering around the beach side. He has been kicking sand with his barefoot. He was near around them. Chanwoo saw him and called his name but Junhoe didn't turn around from Chanwoo's call. He continued to walk and he was going near the water. Junhoe can feel the warmth of the sea water brushing off against his feet. He doesn't care, it seems like his life lost its track, its purpose.

Donghyuk and the other thought Junhoe was just joking, they all knew Junhoe doesn't know how to swim. They are wrong, Junhoe went to the sea with no hesitation. They panicked when the sea level was already at his neck. Donghyuk immediately ran towards Junhoe but he is already under the water. Donghyuk panicked while he was swimming and he saw Junhoe floating when he was close.

He immediately grabbed Junhoe and brought him back. Everyone ran towards them and saw Junhoe was not even opening his eyes.

_Better I will be dead, it's better than you being with someone else's arms. I should die, if I'm not going to be with you Kim Jinhwan._

 

\--

 

Jinhwan was just lost with his mind. Hanbin thought it would be better if they can spend their time together like this. Jinhwan is pale which Hanbin kept worrying about but Jinhwan told Hanbin he is okay. They are not yet dating and Jinhwan thought it is just casual between them.

 

"Hyung, I am asking you this again. Those nights we spent together does it--"

 

"That's nothing Hanbin, I'm sorry." Jinhwan finally told Hanbin everything he'd kept in his heart. His tears started rolling on his cheeks as Hanbin looked at him with disappointment and confusion. "I can't love someone else Hanbin," Jinhwan tried explaining. "It's Junhoe." Hanbin isn't asking, he is stating it was Junhoe which his man wants.

 

Jinhwan is a heartbreaker. Hanbin thought.

 

Hanbin's phone began ringing after the awkward silence him and Jinhwan made. He stood up shocked and asked Jinhwan to come to the hospital, too. Junhoe was saved.

 

\--

 

Junhoe managed to regain his old self with a span of three months. Suicidal thoughts had gone away when he had a conversation with his family encouraging him to live. Everyone was getting used to his dark and gloomy aura causing his members not to be suspicious why Jinhwan and Junhoe isn't that clingy to each other anymore.

From the incident, Jinhwan only blamed himself. He already thinks he doesn't deserve to be loved anymore. He broke two hearts in one shot. He's the one who should be cursed. He hated himself.

He is the only person who is awkward and lifeless. Because Hanbin, him, and Junhoe are in the same group they couldn't avoid each other. Professionals, they are.

 

\--

 

It's 12 am again. Jinhwan is alone is his dark room sitting up and stares at the door blankly. He is waiting for someone, but he doesn't know why. He crawled on to his bed and walked towards the door. He is feeling a presence of someone behind the door. He opened it and saw Junhoe's face.

"Jinani?" It's Junhoe, really. His voice is still the same. He came back with his usual old self. "June." Jinhwan felt the tears he is going to burst out. The tears are warm. He missed him so much. So much, he could die for it.

 

The presence is awkward and mellow at the same time. The room that used to fill with both laughter from both persons seem to vanished. "How are you? I just can't sleep.." Junhoe caressed his nape as he say, "I'm still waiting for the explanation." Junhoe firmly said as he entered the room and closes the door resting his back against it. Jinhwan hugged him tight on his waist but Junhoe is not moving even a finger. He wanted to hug him again like before but it was all different. He is numb towards Jinhwan, he felt like he's lost it all.

"I-I was wrong." Jinhwan was stuttering from his words. He had no choice but to be honest when he is this emotional. "I was too swept away with my emotions.. that I felt lonely without you.. that I gave up my feelings and let Hanbin."

"I know." Junhoe said coldly. "Junhoe please come back to me."

"Jinani, when you said you don't love me anymore. I was still hoping you won't turn your back against me. I was hoping you would come to your senses and promised me you won't do it again." Junhoe sighed and pursed his lips for a moment. Jinhwan is still waiting for him to say something. "I knew what is happening between you and Hanbin, I am ready to forgive you if you will just let me say I love you. I am ready to start a new with you, but you are the one who left me and you left me with an empty heart."

Junhoe grabbed the older's arms around his waist and detached it from his. "We are over Jinani, I just wish for your happiness." He knew Jinhwan's not going to be happy. But it was Jinhwan who broke his heart.

He opened the door and left. This time it was Junhoe who turned his back.

Jinhwan's love for Junhoe did not die. Junhoe's love died instead.

 

-

**Author's Note:**

> Cotard Delusion means that the person with this syndrome has a mental illness that denies his own existence or in other words believed he is dead. Don't worry guys Junhoe and Jinhwan either doesn't have a mental illness in here. It's like describing their love has turned into a dead feeling or it isn't existing anymore.


End file.
